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Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Commitment Phobia in women


COMMITMENT PHOBIA in women…. How to get her and yourself through it!


I heard a man say not to long ago “Why can’t I find a woman who hasn’t been hurt or damaged by another man?”  And you know it angered me. It angered me because not only have I worked with abused women, but also I am a former one. Women don’t ask to get damaged or abused.  I didn’t ask to be treated like shit or abused in ways that are damaging. I didn’t asked to get raped at 16 or have a male nurse molest me when I was 5…neither have the countless women I have worked with. So when I heard that comment I instantly thought this is not a man who deserves the love of a woman who has been “nursed” back to health…so to speak. It’s also a man I wouldn’t want to be with whether I was hurt or not, because it’s a man who can’t understand unconditional love, and will miss out on a wonderful woman! And before you can say it… NO I am not male bashing…it’s more like stupidity bashing!!!

Commitment Phobia shouldn’t be likened with INSECURITY.  Almost every woman has insecurity even happily married not afraid to commit women. A woman with CP insecurities is based on experiences mostly.

Commitment Phobia .....Yeah we women have it also..........I don’t want to talk about those who like being single and like the attention from multiple men or that like playing around…There is a serious phobia that some women suffer due to certain life circumstances. Laugh if you like but for those of us who experience it …. In any degree....struggle daily to get over the phobia. 

Knowing what is the cause of it.....

Unlike men, who’s fear of commitment is usually due to a reluctance to give up his “freedom”, most women with commitment phobia (CP) become afraid to commit due to hurts. Be it a bad marriage or relationship, parents or family divorce, abuse in their own or a close friend or families relationship. It could also be a combination of more than one issue.
  It’s important if you care about the woman to discover the underlying cause of her CP so you are able to help her through it.
 If she can’t even understand what makes her like that, or if it was from a trauma in her childhood, then she may need professional help to help her understand what the cause is and deal with it.

You also must try and understand her mentality as it likely confuses you. Why does she keep her distance, withdrawal or hesitate? Change the subject when things turn serious? You know she loves you yet you don’t understand why she does and acts as she does….
 A woman with CP lives in confusion. The confusion is, she craves what she is also afraid of: love, connection, and commitment. She DREAMS and CRAVES those things, however her fear stands in the way. She can’t help but to steer away when she feels she has come close to the man she loves.
Although she loves you, she frequently becomes critical of you and hurts you with her words or actions. It seems like she wants to sabotage all that is good in the relationship.

So what can you do to help or make things better? I know how frustrating dealing with a conflicted women is, it’s also emotionally draining, however take heart that CP is not a terminal illness that she will carry to her grave…unless she wants too! She can be delivered from this frustrating and miserable situation. It takes love! DEEP love, and patience, understanding and resolution to help deal with this syndrome. Although the choice is really yours. Is she your “once in a lifetime” love or just someone you care about but you could see your life without her??? Do you love her deeply from your heart and soul? If she is….don’t give up on her.... don’t quit, give her a reason to break free from CP and see the value in an unconditional love. 

Believe that for every man, there is a woman from whom she was divinely created (in Adam and Eve legend, Eve was created from one of Adam's rib). And she is "the one", the only one that the man can ever truly love.
If the man meets her, anywhere in his life, he will never be able to stop loving her no matter how hard he tries. And the feelings will be reciprocal because both of them "made from the same ingredients".
So, if she is "the one" for you, trying to stop loving her will be like trying to get out of your own skin. And losing her will be the greatest regret in your life!

If you know she is the one for you then there are ways you can help her.

Understand what her anxieties are about…

Is it about fear of intimacy? fear of being cheated on?, left alone?, given up on? Or something else? You need to try and understand and appreciate her feelings. If she fears it than it is important to her.  Laughing at her and taking it lightly or being too fast to judge her as being selfish causes her more damage. If she feared being burdened financially or feared a hereditary illness would you judge that? If someone had exploited her financially or a close family member died of illness she would be entitled to those feelings. This is proof that her CP isn’t baseless.  Until she can overcome her fear of commitment, try to find a compromise that you both can live with in anyway possible.  Also a woman with CP will find it hard to commit with a man who doesn’t have his own “issues” in order, home life, finances, work etc….to her she see’s that and worries if she commits she will have to take that on as well as her own issues.

Be firm and sincere in showing your love…

A woman with CP has gone through disappointing relationships or has seen other relationships end badly. To help her you must have emotional maturity and a mature mind. You have to be resilient and sincere in order for her to see and believe you’re really someone she can trust and rely on. Don’t feed her bullshit that you don’t intend to follow through with, because then you become part of the problem.

Give her security…

No matter how tough and independent she may seem, she needs you to help lead her and give her the feeling of security and protection. Don’t be a “sit back and wait-er” You don’t always need to yield to her requests, you can be one who leads in the relationship, but lead with love…gently!!!

Talk to her about it…

Open up the communication channel, listen to what she is saying, sometimes all she needs is your ear. However she won’t open up to you if you can’t be trusted not to take to heart her hurts. A woman with CP needs it more than a woman without CP.  If she is being negative, correct her with a loving gentle manner to think and say in a more positive way. You need to get the answers from your woman and not resort to theorizing or doing crude psychology on her. You need to get the answers from her but without applying any pressure -- or as little as possible. The more you press her for answers the more she withdraws from you or even walks away. You can't pull out a commitment from a commitment phoebe, however great the relationship is. And all the threats, ultimatums, pleading, trying to make her jealous, bragging how other women are attracted to you or even smothering her with attention will never get a commitment phoebe to commit. It will make her push furture away. Questions like, "What is that like?’ "How does that make you feel?” "Why do you think that happened?” "What did you know about??” "Explain what that means?" asked in natural ongoing conversations could uncover what your woman is thinking or feeling in-depth

Winning over a woman with CP is usually not as hard as winning over a CP man. Women are more appreciative to faithfulness and more sensitive to love and tenderness. The key is patience, persistence, and being unshakable. However if you don’t know if she is the “one” for you then don’t go after her because winning her over will be very frustrating and emotionally draining. You may ruin your heart and soul in doing that. So if she isn’t the one it’s best to break up and part ways, not only for you but for her as well.

Believe it or not, many people with a fear of commitment know they have a problem and most don't like themselves for being this way. But they also don't want some "know-it-all" -- who doesn't know that it feels like to have this phobia -- telling them how they should be feeling or what they should be doing. It's like saying "I am perfect and you are not" or "I am better than you because I am not afraid of commitment".  Women with this have been deeply hurt and have trouble allowing themselves to feel vulnerable again. And they are usually the most kick ass chicks you would ever be lucky enough to know. 



  1. Ive been with a couple of women that had cp it's hard and sometimes not easy being in that relationship..although it didn't work out I believe I helped them out a little..they are both in happy and long relationships!

    1. Your right! If that woman was shown respect and love even though it didn't turn out they take that with them! My best friend was in a relationship like that and even though it didn't work, he helped her grow and showed her she matters enough to try.

  2. My girl has cp and it's truely not easy to be in that relationship. You strive for her affection and love. You know it's there somewhere but she needs more time to open up to you. I talked to her about her issues. She had not an easy childhood and some first bad experience in relationships. Hence, I'm convinced she needs just some time and I have to be pacient. We agreed to get some professional help. She talks regularly to a life coach ( now. I have a good feeling with that. I can see progress, althought I always see the tips of a professional behind her behaviour. But her willingness to change shows me her love!

  3. I don't know in what words I should thank you because it seems you are describing exactly what my girlfriend (of 4 months) seem to be going through. The other sites I looked through to get an insight on CP seemed to portray CP women as some sort of devil you have to run away from. That has definitely not been MY experience.

    My girlfriend is an introvert just like me. Very caring at heart and highly sensitive. And I can't even begin to tell how compatible we are on almost all levels - intellectually, emotionally, socially.. we could sit together endlessly without saying a single word and feel completely at peace.. Of course there have been moments that were not so peaceful like in any other relation..

    We had a fight about two months back when she suddenly 'pulled back'.. Of course I felt crappy.. I tried hard to talk to her.. to make her share what she was going through inside... this behavior of hers scared me to the extent that I began contemplating breaking up.. the subtle threat of moving on seemed to shake her a bit.. gradually the relationship was back on track.. being a sensitive and caring person at heart, I felt somewhat guilty inside that it was the threat of moving on that brought her back..

    during the last two months then, we grew even closer.. everything seemed to be fine when suddenly she started exhibiting subtle signs of pulling back.. I ignored at first but then the 'coldness' grew and I could not take anymore.. I made the mistake of getting angry at her.. this irritated her badly and we did not talk for about 2 days.. when I contacted her, we had a heated argument again.. I really regret treating her this way now knowing that this 'fear' is not her fault.. but she wouldn't stop being angry and hurt and neither would I.. then I cooled down and tried talking some sense into her.. but she would simply not talk.. the answer to everything was 'I don't know..

    As I was feeling terribly stressed, I could not take it anymore. And I told her that we should stop contacting each other for a period of time.. and then if we want each other in our lives, we may come together again.. She agreed to it.. we both cried hugging each other.. and then separated.. she texted me later that day in the evening and was clearly in pain.. She said she doesn't know what she would do without me.. she requested that we at least be friend.. I was not sure at that time.. this was two days back... we have met since then.. talked.. I have even showed affection towards her by hugging her.. but she seems distant and cold..

    What would be the best course of action for me? I have realized that it was not a good idea for me to react to the whole situation.. I have also realized that we could keep each other happy for the rest of our lives if we could sort out the CP issue here.. She'll be away for a week.. how should I approach this whole mess now? (which I am OFC partly responsible for).